My child recently turned five weeks-old and was born six-weeks premature. Despite these statistics, I’m rather sure that I can already detect a preternatural intellect. His genius is most on display when he is in the process of defecation. The medical professionals will tell you that the wry smile or wide grin is a natural reaction to gas, but I know that he is barely containing his mirth at his own thoughts. Here is a sampling of some of those thoughts:
- You know, if you let this sit much longer, you’re going to need a putty knife to scrape the mess off my back
- I bet you’ll never look at a chocolate milk shake the same ever again
- Don’t worry, papa, I just peed…ha! just kidding, I left a mountain of dung in this diaper
- I bet you’ll never look at chunky peanut butter the same ever again
- Daddy, I think I can use intestinal fortitude in a sentence. Ready? here it goes: You will need intestinal fortitude to clean up what I just evacuated from my intestines. You like it?
- Remember that throat punch I gave you while you were burping me yesterday? That was because you waited too long to change me. Do it again and I’ll show you another move I’ve been working on, it’s called “choking out.”
- Hahahahahahahaha…doodoo butter
