I was recently attempting to change my son’s diaper while his arms and legs were flailing at the air as fast as he could make them go–he was seemingly trying to crawl through the air to escape the experience (why would an infant prefer caked dung on his bottom to a clean diaper?). Then, like any parent of more than one day, I immediately plopped a pacifier in his mouth, rendering the child as pliant as a cult member’s mind.
This experience made me think hard about the pacifier. How arrogant was the person who first dubbed this thing a pacifier, implying that all children can be soothed in all circumstances by simply putting a piece of plastic in their mouths? The person seems to have it right, though. I’ve yet to throw that magic piece of plastic a problem it couldn’t solve. In fact, against all medical advice, I can see myself using the pacifier well into my son’s teen years. I envision a scene like this taking place weekly in the Starkey house.
Setting: Father and Son sitting in the living room on a Friday night watching television.
Son: Dad, can I borrow the car?
Father: No
Son: You don’t love me! You never loved me! I hate you!
Father produces pacifier from breast pocket of his olive green t-shirt and places it in mouth of son. Son immediately becomes demure, sits on couch next to father and rests his head on father’s shoulder.
End Scene
Now, I have to admit that I haven’t always shown the pacifier the respect it deserves. In fact, I used to refer to it primarily as a “binky.” That’s like calling Superman “Bob,” it’s just disrespectful. I now only refer to it in extreme reverence; it is THE PACIFIER. However, my binky transgression is nothing compared to the dishonor the British pay THE PACIFIER. The ingrates actually call the thing a dummie. What dummies!
If you are as much an admirer of THE PACIFIER as I am, you should know that there wasn’t always such universal love for THE PACIFIER. As recently as 1926 the French Chamber of Deputies attempted to prohibit sale of THE PACIFIER, claiming it brought sexual pleasure to infants. One German chap even made the leap to associate thumb sucking (and perhaps, then, pacifier sucking) to masturbation. Sigmund Freud was apparently all on board with this theory. The more I learn about Freud, the more I question the wisdom of Bill and Ted for including that dolt in their Excellent Adventure.
