I’m sure the question of what the parenting world would look like if it was controlled by straight men has been addressed many times in many forums–most of the seating at those forums being on bar stools. That won’t, however, stop me from offering my views on the subject.
Before I start, I’d like to lay out one simple ground rule: mothers are still involved with child-rearing in my hypothetical world, they are just reduced to a subservient role, just like fathers are in the real world.
Clothing:
Lions, tigers and bears remain a staple of infant and toddler male clothing; but not in the current paisley, cutsie fashion. In the new world order, these animals are replaced by the team logos for the football and baseball teams sharing the name.
Monkeys will remain a staple of male baby clothes, but the most common depiction will be of the monkeys throwing poo at each other and howling in laughter.
Clothing bearing the logos of sports teams goes from niche and expensive to commonplace on the $7.99 racks at Target.
Mothers are allowed to shop to their heart’s content for their girls, but boys are allowed only seven changes of clothes, to better prepare them for college life.
Powder blue is removed from the male clothing color palette and returned to female attire, as it was always meant to be. The lone exception being made for anything related to San Diego Charger throw-back uniforms; although the sanity of that color choice for a football team should be questioned more persistently.
Overprotective Fathering:
Insertion of GPS tracking devices into baby girls at birth would be required at all hospitals before patient discharge.
First Words:
All boy’s first words would be of the four letter variety; probably “damn,” because infants make the “da” sound most easily.
Each girl’s first word would be daddy.
Education:
Male kindergarten students cannot be promoted to the first grade until they can successfully demonstrate the proper grip for a two-seam fastball.
Sports history offered as an elective in every high school.
Father’s Day
Father’s Day as an annual event becomes an antiquated notion. The new list of Father’s Days are:
- Opening day of baseball season for the father’s favorite team
- The first two days of the NCAA basketball tournament
- The day after the first Sunday of the NFL season
- The day of the release of any new Nick Hornby book (this one might only be for me)
