Staring at my alert child at 3:00 AM this morning, two things occurred to me: my little guy needed a gentle lullaby to help him sleep and I don’t know any lullabies. I couldn’t let my lack of intimacy with the lullaby music genre impede my child’s sleep, so I made up a few ditties on the spot. Below are the lyrics to my creations, along with suggestions for songs which could be, with the right tone, turned into a child pleasing song. Please bear in mind that these songs are best reserved for children with no grasp whatsoever of the English language. Also, I’ll use Seamus as the child’s name for all of my tunes, but you should insert your child’s name in its place. If you named your child Seamus, I adore you.
Original Lullabies:
Monkey Eating a Pear (With no suggestion for a beat, just make up something soft)
Go to sleep my little Seamus, go to sleep and dream of a monkey eating a pear
But Monkeys don’t eat pears, Daddy, surely you know better
They could, Seamus, if they were someone’s pet
But they’d probably just eat peanuts while they stood at the corner grinding their organs
Daddy, is the monkey grinding his organ a euphemism
No it’s not, now please go to sleep and stop this interrogation
I will Daddy, to sleep I’ll go, but I’m pretty sure that you’re wrong about the dietary habits of monkeys
Daddy With a New Do (again, make up your own beat)
Sleep little Seamus, welcome the Sandman
Sleep little Seamus, go to the land of nod
You’ve been awake for a while, now it’s time for you to dream of daddy with a new hairstyle
The hair should be luscious and shiny, with no bald spots or flakes of grey
If his body becomes leaner and more muscular (perhaps with about 3% body fat), that will work also
Now close those beautiful eyes and pretend I’m beautiful too
Diaper Instructions (I’m hard at work on the lyrics, you sort the music)
Rock-a-bye Seamus, go to sleep
In your diaper, leave only pee
For I’ll change you when you awake
Please save those doodoo butter diapers for mommy, who’ll change you at three
Existing Songs Which Could Serve as Lullabies
Enter Sandman by Metallica, sung with the unmistakable and beautiful melody of Frank Sinatra’s Love and Marriage
Welcome to the Jungle by Guns-N-Roses, sung to the lovable tune of Bob Marley’s No Woman No cry
No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn by the Beastie Boys, intoned to the melodious beat of Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings (sung in a soft voice, please)
